A Little Secret

A Little Secret
I sought to share this little secret with you
This secret that wiped away my gloom
But somehow I was unable to let you know
That between us, we have a son;

This little secret is a blessing to me
For it is a living proof that “we” exist
It is the only reminder I have of you
And my hope to go on with each passing day;

I write this little secret
Hoping that one day you will see this
And know that we have a son
Whose name is same as yours.

Your seed,
My hope.

It was Ebere that read this poem. When she started it, we thought is was one of mother’s jokes. But as she read on, the words began to dawn on me. I had a million questions running through my head. By the time she was through, I was sweating profusely.

“Chimaobi, are you okay?” Ebere asked in that concerned tone similar to Mother’s.

I could not respond immediately. Did she know what she had just read?

As if reading my thoughts, she asked, “Do you think you are the son Mother was writing about?”
“She never told us she had another son.”
“I know Father’s name is John. Could his middle name be Chimaobi?”
“Ebere, we have been reading Mother’s poems. It is obvious there was someone she loved who is not Father. She got married off!” I was beginning to sound irritated. “I am the son of that man!”
“She never mentioned a name, Chimaobi. Please calm down.”
“Listen, Ebere, something is definitely not right here. Mother wrote down these things for a reason. I am going to meet Aunty Adaeze to find out what exactly happened!”
She breathed out then shook her head.
“I don’t want what you’re thinking to be true,” she confessed with a voice filled with fear. “I always want to be your sister – same mother and father.”
“With the way things are sounding, I am even scared to pray such a prayer.”

That was a statement summarizing my hopelessness and fear. I walked out of the room went to my room, leaving Ebere to pack up the poems. I locked my room door behind me. As the million thoughts ran through my head and I fought to gain some sanity, I wondered what the implication would be if what I suspected was true. Then I realized that I could be a bastard. The mere thought of the word filled me with terror. I knelt down on my bed and let my tears flow.

***************************************

One week after the wedding, Ugochi and her husband left Nigeria for America where he was based. Ugochi prepared meals for her husband grudgingly. She always looked forward to when he left the house for work. But when night time came, the trouble was too much. The beatings and raping continued for one month every other day. She was always reluctant to have intercourse with him. Her face and body was always battered.

One morning, after a whole night of beating, fighting and raping, she woke up sick. She was throwing up that it almost left her breathless. After John left the house, she called a taxi that took her to a clinic.

The kind doctor she met started by giving her treatment for her bruises. Then after she explained how she was feeling to him, he asked some nurses to run some tests on her.

She was discussing his profession with him when a nurse brought the results. He had a wide grin as he looked at the results. He went back to his notes to where he has asked for her last menstrual period.

“Congratulations, Ugochi,” he pronounced her name in a funny way. “You are three months pregnant.”

She did not return his smile immediately. While he talked about the plans for ante-natals, she had to do some calculations in her head.

Three months pregnant? And I am one-month old in marriage? That means only one thing. The father of this child is Chimaobi.

Then she smiled.

“Doctor, please could you do me a favour?”
“What is it, Ugochi?”
“Please can you ask my husband not to come near me during my pregnancy? He is so brutal on me I fear I may lose the child.”
“I will have a word with your husband, Ugochi. This issue is more serious than you think.”

The news of her pregnancy began a period of hope in Ugochi’s life being married to a man she did not love.

Moving on

Each day that passed after Chimaobi walked away, Ugochi felt hurt. Some days she could not eat. She hoped that he will return and say it was all a joke. Her father prevented her from going to see Chimaobi. She was indoors waiting for Chimaobi. But as time went on, she did not hear from him. She was nonchalant about her wedding preparations coming up. Adaeze and Uchechi took over the planning and preparation of the traditional wedding. There was no white wedding planned.

After three weeks of not hearing from Chimaobi, three weeks of sleepless nights and pinning away with heartbreak, she decided to write him a letter. It was a long letter explaining the predicament she found herself and a profession of her undying love for him. She also explained her wish for them to elope. After writing the letter and sealing it with a kiss, she gave it to Ogechi to deliver to Chimaobi.

Ugochi never knew that the letter did not reach Chimaobi. Ogechi gave it to Chimaobi’s younger sister. Younger sister got soaked while playing under the rain. The letter was ruined. Since she did not have anything to show her brother, she threw the letter away and never mentioned it to anyone. When Ugochi did not get a feedback from Chimaobi, she assumed he did not care about her anymore. Ugochi also did not know that her parents visited Chimaobi’s parents and told them to tell Chimaobi to stay away from her. Embarrassed Chimaobi, who also could not stand the thought of his loved one being given away, had to take some weeks off to be away from that vicinity, since the traditional wedding was taking place in her house.

That was how Ugochi was married off to John. It was the saddest day of her life. She could not force a smile all through the occasion. The pictures were evidence of her sadness. She could not wait for the day to end.

The end of the day came. When she and John got to their hotel room for the 1st night of marriage, she did not let him come near her.

“Please, I want to rest tonight. Today has been very hectic for me,” she said. She could not imagine herself sharing the same bed with this man not to mention consummating the marriage that night. She could only wish she was sharing the beautiful room with Chimaobi, the man she loved.
“You don’t have to do anything,” John said. “Just lie down on the bed.”
She shook her head. They argued for a while. John tried to force himself on her. She resisted. They fought. Her kicking and screaming was like sweet music to his ears. That night, he raped her, leaving her very sore and in pains.

“So this is my fate?” she asked herself as she remained awake all through the night disturbed by his snores and the pains in between her legs. She thought of how different it was with Chimaobi. She sighed. Then she started sobbing quietly. She drifted off to sleep in the early hours of the morning on a wet pillow.

The Break-Up

It happened. Yes it did.

As Ugochi lay on the bed that night, sleep did not come easily to her. She thought after being with Chimaobi that she will feel better. Rather, she felt guilty and troubled. She was not only thinking about the forced marriage she was about to enter. She had to think of the consequences of sleeping with Chimaobi. Am I pregnant? Have I contracted an STD? She asked herself. She finally concluded that sleeping with Chimaobi was not to the detriment of her parents, who were fast asleep while she was awake.

She tossed and turned in bed recounting the events of the evening. As she thought of the passion that ensued between herself and Chimaobi that evening, she felt like going back for more. He was gentle on her. He touched her in ways she had never imagined. He spoke kind, loving words to her. Each thought of what happened sent sweet sensations all through her body.

“How do I tell him I am getting married to someone else?” she asked herself in frustration as tears filled her eyes. “What kind of confusion have I brought upon myself? Can I still go ahead with this marriage after sharing this part of myself with Chimaobi? Could there be anything sweeter than making love to Chimaobi? God, I want to be with this man for the rest of my life. Can I be with any man other than him?”

All she could hear were the stillness of the night, a clock ticking in the room, and the gentle snores of Ogechi.

I have to tell Chimaobi about this marriage thing, she resolved. Hopefully we could find a way of eloping.

*******************************************


Ugochi spent the early hours of the day with Adaeze and Uchechi, talking about the wedding preparations. She participated half-heartedly. She was waiting for afternoon to see Chimaobi. She just wanted to be in his presence.

She was with her elder sisters when Ogechi came in and announced that Chimaobi was looking for her. Her heart began to beat excitedly. Was he missing her the way she was missing him? Did he want another moment of being with her the way she was looking forward to it?

She ran down the stairs to meet him in the living room. He was backing her going through a bookshelf. He had his arms at akimbo. She walked up to him quietly and tickled him. He responded by turning sharply.

His face was hard. He did not return the brilliant smile on her face.
“Chimaobi…”she whispered, searching his eyes for the cause of his cold countenance.
“Please sit down,” he replied curtly.
“Is anything the matter my love?” she asked. She could not believe this was the same man she had shared a passionate moment with less than 24 hours ago. She sat down as he took a seat.
“Ugochi, I loved you and trusted you. Why did you betray me? Why did you use me?” He still remained calm as his spoke, but his words were like daggers on her flesh.
“What are you talking about Chimaobi?” she stuttered.
“Ugochi, you are getting married next month. Ogechi told us. Why didn’t you mention it to me? Have I ever hidden anything from you? Instead you felt it was right to use me to know what the experience of being with a man would be like! What did I do to you to deserve this?”
“I can explain, Chimaobi,” she said softly. Tears had filled her eyes. She sniffed.
“Please spare me your crocodile tears! Explain what?” Now he sounded angry and did his best to keep his voice from rising. He stood up.
“Chimaobi, this is not the best place and time to talk. Can I see you later today?” She held his hand but he pulled it away quickly.
“Ugochi, as I leave this place today, I don’t want to ever see you and talk to you again. I never knew you of all people will treat me like this! Have a wonderful married life!”
She felt the pains in her heart, this time like the daggers were ripping her heart apart.
“Chimaobi, please…”she started in tears.
As he was about to walk out on her, her father came into the living room.
“What’s going on here?” her father inquired harshly.
Noone answered.
“I am on my way Sir,” Chimaobi said to avoid the stare from her father.
“Young man, I hope you know this is a married woman you are talking to!” her father warned him. “Leave my daughter alone. If you are coming here to deceive her, please stop coming here!”
“Daddy?” Ugochi muttered.

Chimaobi gave her one last look then walked out of the house. She stormed off to her room and went straight to the window to watch him walk back to his house.

As she looked out of her window and watched him go, she could feel the pains of her shattered heart, getting deeper with each fast-paced stride he took away from her. Is that how it ends? She asked herself. This beautiful relationship we had?

When she could no longer see him, she closed her eyes. Then she started crying uncontrollably.

Attempt at Seduction

The day dragged rather slowly. Ugochi could not wait for evening to come. She prepared dinner by 4p.m. to enable her prepare for the evening and leave the house by 7p.m. She tried not to think about what she was about to do. Each time a voice asked her if she was sure of what she was doing, she quickly told herself she was getting back at her parents for giving her off to someone she did not love.

I'd rather die than have cousin John enjoy my pride. I have saved it all my life for Chimaobi.

When 6p.m. came, she went to see her sisters who were lost in some discussion about a man.

"I'm going for a stroll," she announced. "Ada, please could you help organize serving of dinner?"

"Where are you strolling to this night?" Ada queried.

"It's been a while since I took fresh air."

"She wants to say goodbye to Chimaobi," Uchechi said then laughed mischieviously.

How right Uchechi is, Ugochi thought, but she has no idea what I plan for tonight.

"Go and have fun," Adaeze said, "We'll sort ourselves out."

"Thank you, Ada," Ugochi said in relief then left them to go to her room.

She had a bath, dressed up as earlier rehearsed, then knelt down beside her bed to pray.

"Father, forgive me, for I know not what I am about to do... Amen." With that, she stood up, braced herself for the mission ahead and buried all fears that seemed to discourage her.

*******************************************

She walked stealthily to the BQ of Chimaobi's home. She knew where he kept the key to his room and since he was not in, she went into the room and made herself comfortable on his bed. She picked up a magazine from a bunch of scattered magazines on the bed. She wanted to pass the time.

When she heard footsteps approaching the room, her heart began to beat frantically. She was not sure she was ready for what she set out to do. She heard Chimaobi whistling as he approaced the room. She started panicking. She sat up on the bed. She wanted to run back home.

I cannot do this anymore, she told herself. I am soo scared.

She felt nauseated. The moment she stood up to run to the bathroom, that was when Chimaobi walked into the room.

"Ugo, my love!" he exclaimed in surprise. "Where have you been?"

As she saw his face and the love in his eyes, as she felt the care and genuine concern in his voice, as she smelt his mild musky scent when he stepped towards her, nausea left her. Instead, she rushed towards him and hugged him fiercely. The moment she felt his warm arms around her, she reached for his lips to give him a passionate kiss.

Then the wrap-round gown loosened...

Accepting Reality

It took some courage, but Ugochi had to get help from her sisters. She came out of the study where she had been all through the three days, except when she had to eat or use the bathroom. She went to her elder sisters’ room – the meeting point for all gist.

“Hi everyone,” she said, feigning a smile as she sat on the couch beside Adaeze. Uchechi and Ogechi were on the bed, opposite the couch. As usual, they were all full of excitement making loud noise. Ugochi’s entrance caused a momentary silence.

“Are you back from the village of denial?” Uchechi teased.
“Yeah. I’ve finally made up my mind to accept the proposal. God will be with me all through, that I am sure of.”
“That’s more like the spirit,” Adaeze said and gave Ugochi a warm hug. “Do you know how many of us are dying to be the wife of Cousin John?”
“He’s no more Cousin John…He’s now brother-in-law John…” she said this amusingly making her sisters giggle.
Before anyone could start speaking, she started by saying, “I need some tips from you as I prepare for marriage.”
“What kind of tips?” Uchechi asked.
“Like, if my husband does not want to come to the bed, like do the thing with me, what can I do to make him come to the bed?”
“No husband will not want to come to the bed if someone as beautiful as you is in there!” Adaeze said humuorously.
“What if I annoyed him? What if I said we would not do anything and he has taken me seriously?”
“Ada,” Uchechi said, “We need to help our sister. We don’t want her to disgrace the Alozie Girls’ family name. What do you think?”
“Oge, please excuse us for a moment,” Ada told Ogechi, their youngest sister. She tried to refuse, but Uchechi dragged her out of the room and then locked her out.
“I think you are asking us how you can seduce your husband if he is not willing?” Adaeze asked.
Ugochi nodded.
“Plan for the day or night when you want to do it. Have a nice bath. Shave your hairs; you know which hairs I’m talking about…?” Ugochi nodded. “Smell good, use light but sensuous make-up, go to him, talk to him but while talking to him, be touching him.”
“How am I going to get or do the make-up? What am I going to say to him?”
“We’ll give you some cosmetics, but when you prepare for the wedding, we’d buy you your own cosmetics,” Uchechi said. “When you talk to him, just tell him all you like about him, the first day you fell in love with him, what he means to you, how good he is… just words to please him. He won’t know when you are touching him but something would be happening within him.”
I would not lack such words to say to Chimaobi, Ugochi thought. I really do love him, and he is a wonderful guy. As she thought of him, she felt a fresh pain in her heart. Her eyes moistened. Her sisters did not notice.
“I also suggest you wear a morning coat or a wrap-round gown that can easily be removed by the pull of a string,” Adaeze continued.
“And, my dear, no underwear. This is because if he is refusing, all you have to do is pull the string and behold…”Uchechi was saying before she started giggling. Adaeze joined her.
“You are so naughty, Uche,” Adaeze said in between laughter. “I thought I was worse than you.”
“I learnt from you... Come on, this is not about us. It’s about Ugochi. Let’s get her one of your wrap-round gowns and do the make-up thing. Let’s have a rehearsal!!!”

After several rehearsals, from how she should walk up to him, to the tone of her voice, and the words to say, Adaeze and Uchechi certified her okay. They gave her a wrap-round gown to keep. She also had to admit that the make-up made her look beautiful.

She went back to the study. She leaned on the wall and slid down slowly until she sat on the floor. She closed her eyes as she thought of the next plan. She had to answer some questions.
What am I doing? Seducing Chimaobi.
Why am I doing it? Because otherwise, he may not agree to sleep with me.
With whom am I doing this with? Chimaobi of course.
Where am I doing it? In his room, in the BQ.
How am I doing it? Sensuously and seductively.

The last question came:
When am I doing it?
Tonight.
God help me so.

The Chosen One

It was three days later that Ugochi knew the details of her move to the UK. Her parents called her to their bedroom and broke the news to her.
“You know you will go to London to continue your education,” her father started.
She nodded slowly with no enthusiasm on her countenance. She sat on a chair opposite them who were seated at the edge of their bed.
“You’ll leave next month.” He hesitated before saying, “You’ll be going as John’s wife.”
“What!” she muttered in shock.
“Yes,” her mother chipped in.

She could hear her heartbeat suddenly faster and louder, thumping like they could explode in her rib cage. As John’s wife? She asked herself. What would happen to my beloved Chimaobi? My new found faithful love?

“Why me?” she asked while gripping the arms of the chair for fear she would slip off the seat and faint.
“You are the chosen one,” her father continued with a sly smile that revealed some of his brown teeth, discolored from excess chewing of kolanuts.
“Daddy, I am not the first girl nor the second girl in this house. I am only seventeen years old. My dream is to marry a Christian, who shares the same beliefs as I do, and someone who is not fifteen years older than me.”
“John is a Christian. He goes to church…”
“Not a church-goer but a committed Christian…”
“Shut up, my friend!” her father suddenly shouted.

She sat back on her seat when her father stood up. It meant she had to go through the remaining part of the discussion in silence. She had provoked her father and she did not want any of the consequences.

“Age has nothing to do with marriage,” her mother continued as her father paced the room to cool down. “You’ve known John right from your childhood. He is a good man. He will take care of you and make you happy. Since he is mature, he will not treat you the way small boys do. He will not break your heart.”
“Listen, Ugochi, this house is on fire,” her father said after resuming his sitting position. “There is no money and no food in this house. We are living from hand to mouth. All my businesses have collapsed. Uncle Simeon has promised us two million naira for your acceptance of the marriage proposal. He will help us get back our property and take care of the family. You are the pride of the family. You are the one bringing restoration to us.”
She dare not voice her thoughts of “so you are selling me for two million naira? Pride of the family my foot!”
“What if I don’t accept? What if I run away?”
“Then I will skin you alive…” Her father said and she knew it was not an empty threat.
She had no other choice but to accept reluctantly while praying that in a month’s time, God will do something to restore the family. Then she will not have to be married off.

While her sisters rejoiced over the oncoming traditional marriage that would take place in their home, she went into seclusion for three days. How would I tell Chimaobi this news? She asked herself. How will I bear to be separated for him, not just for a while but for life? The more she thought about her separation from Chimaobi, the more she wept. Then she had an idea.

Why don’t I give my virginity to Chimaobi as a parting gift? But we agreed that our wedding night will be our first night of being together. How can I make him change his mind? What do I do? Maybe this is time to learn from my sisters…

The First Clue

The next morning, as soon as Father stepped out, Ebere and I went back to Mother's room. We had not had breakfast. We pounced on the poems and continued from where we stopped.

"Chimaobi, please let me read this one to you," Ebere offered when we got to a sad poem.
I nodded. She read out the poem with a voice deep with emotions. The poem was titled "You are the man".

You are the man


Who brings out the best in me


Who gives me reason to live


Who opened my eyes to bliss;





You are the man


Whose touch speaks sweet words


Whose words churn my world


Whose love is like none I know;





But fate has stepped in


And I see that we were not destined to be


Now I leave with someone else


I fear we may never see again;





I will miss our treasured moments


Of sweet kisses and whispered sweet nothings


Of shared dreams and love inexplicable


Of a planned future that cannot be;





You are the man


I will always love


I will always adore


I will always keep in my heart:



How do I say goodbye?






"Are you thinking what I am thinking?" I asked Ebere.
"Yeah, Daddy is not the man she was in love with," Ebere replied.
"What could have gone wrong?" I wondered out loud, "How could she go with someone else?"
"We might have to ask Aunty Adaeze or Grandma."
"You know mummy does not really like them. They only come here to take money from Daddy."
"We could have an idea from asking."

I had mixed feelings. I was happy the man mother loved was not father, but I was not happy that she did not marry the man she loved.

"Let's search the poems maybe we could get more clues," I suggested.
"Suddenly I feel like a detective," Ebere said humourously.
"Oh yes, Private Ebere. Let's dig the poems for more info..."

Uncle Simeon’s Visit

Ugochi was lounging with Chimaobi one evening when Uchechi found them. They were in a secluded part of the garden in Chimaobi’s home. That was where they usually spent their evenings getting to know more about themselves.

“There you are,” Uchechi said. “Hmmm! Ugochi! When we ask you what is going on between you and Chimaobi, you say you are just friends. This one that we do not see you in the house anymore, don’t come back one day with belle oh!”
“Ah ah, Uche,”Chimaobi said trying to stand up for embarrassed Ugochi. “Don’t you trust your sister?”
“Surely not with someone like you. You are irresistible,” she added the latter flirtingly. Then she turned to Ugochi who had hurriedly stood up and dusted the sand off her jean trousers. “Uncle Simeon is here. Daddy wants all of us to greet him. He came with Cousin John.”

The mention of Uncle Simeon made her forget Uchechi’s earlier statement. A smile lit her face. Uncle Simeon’s visit meant they would all have pocket money. She hurriedly joined Uchechi to head for the house.
“See you tomorrow, Chimaobi,” she said as she departed.

The whole family was in the living room when she and Uchechi walked in. Their father had brought out his best drinks, which she thought must have been sold. Their mother had prepared yam and peppersoup for the Uncle Simeon and cousin John. Her entrance caused a moment of silence. It was her greeting that brought the living room back to life.

They spent the evening catching up on old times. Cousin John went out with Adaeze and Uchechi to chat briefly. He was years older than all of them. Ugochi did not feel she was mature enough to partake in their discussion. She remained in the living room with chatterbox Ogechi, their parents and Uncle Simeon who kept appraising her from time to time.
“Your daughters have all grown well,” Uncle Simeon said as he was leaving. He doled out huge sums of money to all of them. “Your daughters are very beautiful,” he added with his eyes on Ugochi. “My friend, let’s go out and talk,” he said to her father.
When her father came back from seeing off Uncle Simeon and Cousin John, Adaeze and Uchechi jumped on him asking, “How many of us are going? Who is going? Who is going?”
Going to where? Ugochi thought.
“What are you talking about?” their father asked with a trace of amusement in his tone. He sat on his favourite seat in the living room and let out a breath of relief.
“John told us. He told us that one or two of us will be going to America,” Uchechi said.
Their father looked at their mother before speaking.
“Yes, someone will be going to America. They said it is Ugochi. You and Adaeze are already in school and it will not be nice to disrupt your education. Ogechi is too young. So Ugochi goes.”
“Oooh!” Both Uchechi and Adaeze expressed their disappointment.
“What are you all talking about?” Ugochi had to ask.

Sign of Changes

Everything was changing.
Ugochi now shared her days between church and Chimaobi. She began building her relationship with him. Theirs was an innocent and platonic relationship. The most contact they had were strolls holding each others hands and a few stolen kisses when they wanted to say good night.

Everything was changing.
Ugochi’s dreams of the future had changed. She no longer hoped to become a nun. She looked forward to being a wife to Chimaobi and mother of his children.

More things were changing.

Hardship crept into the family slowly like a worm burrowing into the soil. Ugochi was sensitive enough to notice these changes. In the space of 6 months, 3 cars had reduced to 1 and pieces of furniture were disappearing. When she asked her father what was going on, he said he was planning to replace the things that were gone. The trip to the village during Christmas was cancelled because the house at home had been bought by a stranger. There was also no Christmas clothe that year.

More and more things were changing.
The gas/electric cooker was sold for a table top cooker supported by a kerosene stove. The gardener and driver were laid off. The girls had to learn how to weed and cut grass.

While things were changing, Ugochi’s feelings towards Chimaobi grew. He was someone she could discuss all her fears and concerns with. She loved spending time with him. The more she got to know him, the more she loved him. She was glad that there was no reduction in her feelings towards him.
It was during those times she wrote the poem titled “One thing has not changed”.

The final incident that made Ugochi conclude that things were bad was when her mother asked for their old clothes. These they usually gave out for charity. Ugochi witnessed a woman come to their house to pick the clothes, some of her mother’s clothes and pieces of jewellery, in exchange for money.
“There’s nothing else to sell,” Ugochi told herself as she watched the woman leave with things that was once theirs. “Or, is there anything else to sell?”

Confusion

“Mum must have been deeply in love”, Ebere said as she passed one poem to me. We had gone through more than twenty poems but she wanted me to read out the one titled “One thing has not changed”.

One thing has not changed
I look all around me
Everything is changing
People around me are cold
Things I once cherish I cannot hold;

I wonder what is going on
I take a chance to voice my thoughts
Yet silence is all I get
Leaving me more confused with each passing day;

Then I sit back to muse on events
I realize one great truth – one thing has not changed
That is my undying love for you
Which nothing and no one can change.

“Could this be our father?” I thought. Just before I could voice out my thoughts, we heard the familiar hoot of father’s car. We quickly hid the poems under mother’s bed and ran to our respective bedrooms. I assured Ebere, who was reluctant to leave, that we would come back to the poems the next day because it was already 6p.m.

I pretended to be reading a book though my ears were alert for every move of father’s. He brought fear into my life. I hated him for all the pain he put mother through. I was scared of becoming a man, a husband and a father one day because I feared I will be like my father. I asked myself again, “Could he be the man mother was in love with? Was it because she had an undying love for him that was she could not leave him despite all he did? What kind of love did she have for him that overlooked his barbaric attitude?”

He went first to Ebere’s room, which was adjacent mine. I heard him demand for his food. I heard her stand up from the bed dragging her feet. I went back to my book, trying to focus or look serious in case he comes into my room. I noticed my book was upside down so I readjusted it.

Just when I thought I will concentrate on the book, I heard Ebere say, “Daddy, leave me alone.” There was a slap. There was a scream from Ebere. I could ignore him beating mother, because she ordered me never to get involved. But I would not ignore him touching Ebere. I stood up from my bed and rushed to her room filled with anger and hate. I saw my father with his arm around Ebere’s neck trying to suffocate her. I did not know when I sent a blow to his jaw that weakened him. He smelled as if he has been soaked in alcohol.

“Don’t ever touch her again,” I warned seriously.
He attempted to return my blow but I dodged. He lost his step and fell on the floor.
“Hope you have not hurt him,” Ebere said whimpering as she fell on her knees by his side. “He was not himself. He was under the influence of alcohol.”

Father grunted for us to help him up. Whether he was a drunkard or a woman-beater, he was still our father. We helped him up and took him to his room. I left Ebere with him as she tried to talk to him.

I walked away angry, frustrated and sad. I could not say a word to either of them.
“Mother, how come your love did not change for such a man?” I wondered as I found solace in the solitude of my room.

Confessions from the Heart

“I would like to go home now,” Ugochi muttered, almost out of breath.
She attempted to stand up but Chimaobi held her back.
“You can’t help it, you are a red blooded female not something else,” he whispered in her ears.
“I wish I could help it. Now I know it is beyond my willpower, I have to find another way round it.”
She managed to extricate from his grasp. She got up and stood at akimbo, staring into space.
What am I doing? She asked herself. Am I not a Christian? What will Father say if he knows what I’ve done?
She was still in that state of confusion and guilt when Chimaobi walked up to her. He stood facing her. Both of them began looking at each other in a different way from before.
“Ugochi…” he started.
“Chimaobi, I am not happy with the way today is going. I did not expect this.” She sounded very hurt.
“I’m really sorry. I did not expect things to turn out this way. I have always wanted to be close to you but being with you, I can’t control myself” he said in a voice husky with emotions.
“You’ve seen me only twice, today making it three times,” Ugochi said, shocked that he felt the same way as she did.
“I have seen you a lot more than that. You captivated me from the first day I laid my eyes on you. You are beautiful and graceful. Every time I came to your house was just to see you but you were always locked up somewhere or not in the house. When I found out you had selected days to do the cooking, I seized it as an opportunity to sneak in through the kitchen to see you. You are different and special. I respect and admire you a lot.” Chimaobi’s speech delighted Ugochi in every way but she felt he was rushing things.
“Why are you telling me all these?” She asked for she was still in a state of disbelief that he did have intimate feelings for her.
“I can’t go on deceiving myself. This is the truth. You are such a lovely person to know and to be friends with. But there’s this feeling I have for you which I cannot describe. This feeling keeps me thinking about you.”
Ugochi had never heard such sweet words. The moment he moved closer to her and held her close to him, she found herself saying, “I feel ashamed to say this but I feel the same way that you do. To me, this is more than a crush.”
Once more he kissed her, to this kiss she responded fully.

It was that evening she wrote the poem “No More Pretence”.

Chimaobi dropped her off by 7p.m. leaving her a different Ugochi from the one who left home. Everyone at home wanted to know how the outing was.
“How was the outing?”
“Which joint did he take you to?”
“Did he spend on you?”
“Was he nice to you?”
So many questions were asked and Ugochi answered them. Everyone seemed to be delighted that she accepted his offer for outing. They all encouraged such outings to become frequent.

“You need such outings more often,” her mother said. “It makes your eyes sparkle and your face glow.”
“But you should not get yourself too involved with this Chimaobi of a boy,” her father warned. “Let the relationship be like brothers and sisters. Anyway, of all my daughters, it’s you I trust the most so I’m not worried. I know you won’t start thinking like your sisters”.

While this brought up another discussion, Ugochi was left to ponder on what her father had said. In not too many words, he did not want Chimaobi to be her boyfriend. Of course, she could not expect anybody to be in support of her relationship with her next-door neighbor. And as a Christian, the thought of being intimate with him was out of the question. But then there was a bond between the both of them which she could feel. She only wondered where this bond would lead them to.

Mother's First Kiss

Ebere and I took turns in reading the poems. Each one told a story and seemed like a continuation of the previous one. We were able to associate with mother’s innocent feelings because, as adolescents, our hormones had become active. One poem I liked was “No More Pretence” and I read it out: -

No more Pretence
Yesterday,
I was a different girl
I did not know what love meant
I did not know I was living in emptiness;

Then you walked into my life
My days were filled with thoughts of you
My heart hungered for more of you
Every day I longed for you
Yet I tried to hide the way I feel;

And then you gave me a kiss
Making me experience the word bliss
Today there is nothing about me I can hold back
I cannot pretend I am in love with you.

“Chimaobi, this should be Mother’s first kiss,” Ebere said excitedly. I nodded. “She must have really treasured it. Awwww! This is so sweet…”

Trust females to get so mushy about such things.

***************************************************

As the poem “No More Pretence” implied, Ugochi was able to come in contact with Chimaobi again. It was about two months after the spill incident. Once again she was in the kitchen.

“Your food smells delicious, it made my mouth water from a distance,” he said jovially and she let out a light laugh, displaying a perfect set of white teeth. “You should smile more often,” he continued, “you just looked too beautiful to be true when you smiled.”
She tittered.
“Thanks. I smile often,” she said. “Last time we met was a bit awkward. It wasn’t a time to smile.”
“I heard you are always smiling. I guess that’s why you are as lovely as you are,” he added.
This made her smile with embarrassment. It was not because she had not heard such words before. Coming from Chimaobi, it was heavenly.
“I think it’s best you go and see Uchechi in the sitting room because today’s not her turn for cooking,” Ugochi said so he could leave her. Seeing him made her heart beat in fast paces and she was not sure she would do anything right if he was there. All the things she had planned to say to him eluded her memory.
“I didn’t come to see Uchechi today. I came to see you,” he said and his words made stare at him in shock.
“Me?” She asked in disbelief. She was not sure if she was overjoyed for she had secretly wished he would come to see her, but then what could she say to him to pass the time?

“Yes, you. I heard you’ve worked so hard preparing for your SSCE and now you’re done I decided to give you a treat. You deserve it, to go out to a nice place, relax, and then we could get to know ourselves a lot better. How about going out tomorrow?”
“No, thank you,” she said quickly. It was an offer, one in a life’s time, but she had to turn him down because she was scared of her feelings for him. What if he did not return this her growing love for him? She asked herself. She did not want to expect too much from him and get hurt when she got nothing.
“You are so deep in thought, maybe you think your parents would not approve”, he said, penetrating her thoughts, “but I’ve even told your father of my offer and he said you are very reserved, and he’d like you to go out once in a while”.
“Nobody, except God, can make me do what I don’t want to do”, she said flatly.

Next day found her dressed up, and going to the Igwe’s home for the first time since they moved in.
“What made you change your mind?” Chimaobi asked her, surprised she had accepted his offer.
She could not tell him what made her change mind. Ugochi thought, how can I tell him that I really wanted to go out with him? Or that I have suddenly begun to fall in love with him? How could I explain to him that his coming into my life changed me completely?
“A lot of pressures from my folks,” she said, which was partly true.

He took her out to a nice resort. The place was surrounded by beautiful, natural resources like an artificial lake of cool, clear water which was used for recreation, a hill which was easy to climb when one was on top, one could see a vast land of beautiful sceneries not to mention the garden spot with beautiful flowers and shrubs. The area endowed with canopies, table and chairs for couples to sit and have snacks.
“I’ve never known of such a lovely place,” she said. Her eyes were sparkling with excitement.
“I bet you’ve never stepped out of your bedroom,” he said teasingly.

After having a nice meal together, they sat on the soft carpet grass, sipping chilled juices. They did not lack what to talk about as Chimaobi had a vast knowledge of things she thought she knew. She made a good listener, hardly ever interrupting him. When he started asking her things about herself, she felt free opening up to him. She had never felt so relaxed with anybody like the way she felt with him.
“I never knew people could have fun this way,” she said. “I thought church activities were the only interesting things to do.”
“There’s a first time for everything,” he replied, “and I hope you are enjoying yourself”.
To this she nodded. He was so patient and understanding, she told herself.
A sudden quietness added to the isolation of the area they were in. Ugochi could not get herself to think normally, nor could she control her unsteadiness caused by the stare Chimaobi was giving her.
“Had a boyfriend before?” He suddenly asked and she quickly replied a sharp “No!”
“Why?”
“It’s a sin. I know it will not lead to marriage and any courtship without the intention for marriage is sinful,” she replied.
“Is it a sin being out here with me?”
“It depends on what’s on our minds. Motives matter.”
“Would it be a sin if I kissed you?” As he asked this question, his fingers were trailing down her face until he cupped her chin.
For that moment, she could not breathe. She could not answer his question for fear that a wrong word might come out of her mouth. If she said yes, she might lose her chance of ever being kissed by him. If she said no, he might know her feelings for him, which she was trying to hide.
But her eyes betrayed her for in her eyes, her desire to be kissed was showing clearly. Her quivering lips did not help matters. She did not stop him as his lips descended on hers, neither could she prevent herself from responding to what she felt was the gate to paradise. As he kissed her, his hand touched and caressed her body in a sensational way that the abrupt end of the kiss left her yearning for more.
“You want me to go on?” he asked in a husky, desire-filled voice.

That's How It Began

There was something about Chimaobi. Yes, he was handsome, dark in complexion, well-built and about 6feet 2inches. But those were not as intimidating as his presence. He seemed to fill up the kitchen. For a moment, Ugochi thought she will suffocate because of his aura.

His gaze held her eyes. She could see some amusement in them. He had big, warm brown eyes with thin long lashes. “Almost feminine,” Ugochi thought, “but certainly beautiful.” Her eyes travelled to the next salient feature on his face – his smile. His lips had curled into a smirk leaving deep dimples boring into the flesh of his cheeks. She almost felt like putting a finger in the dimples.

“This proves that beautiful ladies are not good in the kitchen,” he spoke in a rich tenor voice.
She smiled in embarrassment. Was he calling me beautiful?
“It’s not what you think…” she stammered.
“You’ll have to prove me wrong then.”
She had to evade his penetrating eyes so she decided to pick up the pieces of fish on the floor. As she squatted, he joined her.
“Let me help,” he offered when she gave him a warning look.
She melted.
The first fish she picked was still hot that she winced as she picked it up. He was quick to reach for the kitchen glove hanging by the cooker. He gave it to her.
“Please don’t hurt yourself anymore,” he said softly. There was so much care in his eyes.
“I’ll be more careful,” she said with a smile that could not last long because her lips were quivering.
He held the colander while she filled it with the pieces of fish.
“Roasted fish for dinner!” he said humorously.
“It’s such a waste,” she said sadly, “and my mother does not condone wastage of food. I really feel so bad about this.”
He helped her up her feet as they were done with picking the fishes.
“Don’t worry, it’s going to be alright. It’s a mistake.”
“Yeah, thanks," she said gratefully. He's nice.

While she wiped off the spilled oil, he stood by a corner of the kitchen intently watching her.
“Won’t you like to go into the living room to see the person you came to see?” she asked
“I came to see the family and you are part of the family. What’s wrong with being with you in the kitchen?”
“Everything. I really don’t want you in here. I like to work on my own.”
More like you are distracting me and if you stay here any longer, something else will burn.
“Strange. The Ugochi I hear about is so quiet, soft and timid. The Ugochi I see here has a fierce mind of her own and is resolute. Tell me who is the real Ugochi? Is she the one that does not talk to guys?”
The latter statement made her become defensive.
“You bring out the otherside of me,” she said a bit sarcastically.
“Do I take this as a compliment? That I am special?” He burst out laughing.
Ugochi wanted to retort with something to quieten him but just then, Uchechi walked in.
“Hi Chimaobi, I heard your voice. Hope Ugochi isn’t boring you with her preaching sessions. Please join us in the living room. Adaeze would like to challenge you to a game of chess.”
In no time, Uchechi had taken Chimaobi out of the kitchen leaving Ugochi to run back to her thoughts.

For almost a month, Ugochi never saw him again. But ever since that day, her thoughts made a U-turn. At night, she thought about him. She could not forget his handsome look and all-male presence that left her on edge that day. She thought about the softness of his voice when he spoke to her. For once, she could understand why girls said they were head over heels in love for a guy, if they were able to appreciate such physical handsomeness and tenderness. For the first time in her life, she imagined a boy being more than a person to preach to. She imagined him as a close friend. She thought of his dimples and wished she could get the chance to touch them. Thoughts of him could not leave her head. She prayed that the devil would not tempt her into the sin of lusting.

But that was a futile prayer for her heart began ruling her head. How could she not expect that to happen when she spent her days taken stolen glance at him from her window? The more she saw his image, the more she continued the sin of lusting. All those things she had heard her elder sisters saying they did with boys, all of a sudden she wanted them too but with no one but Chimaobi. She could not explain these feelings she suddenly had a boy, let alone her next-door neighbour.

It was during those times she wrote the poem entitled “Peeping Girl”.

Sparks at First Sight

The four sisters were in their bedroom recounting events of their day.
“Chimaobi is just a guy that fell out of heaven!” Adaeze was telling them. “Today, he helped an old woman get across the road. I was in class then. When he did it, all the ladies in class started cooing. Even our female lecturer had to pause for a while just staring helplessly at him.”
“Every female in my class wants me to hook her up with him. He is so handsome and adorable. You can’t help falling for him,” Uchechi replied.
“There we go again,” Ugochi said and stood up from the bed where they were all seated.

It was only one month since the Igwe’s had moved into the house next door. The family consisted of the parents and three children – Chimaobi and his younger sisters. Ever since that move, all Ugochi heard in the evenings was one gist or the other about him.

“Please don’t spoil this sweet gist,” Ogechi chipped in knowing that Ugochi was never interested in any discussion about guys and had a way of cutting it short.
“I am tired of telling you all that these things do not lead to anything. Last night we did not have dinner because of talk about Chimaobi. This night, I won't let such happen. I’ll leave you all to continue daydreaming about him while I prepare dinner.”
“Thanks, Sis,” Uchechi replied dismissively. It was her turn to cook that evening and she would rather talk about Chimaobi than be in the kitchen.
Just before Ugochi left the room, Adaeze said, “Ugochi, you need to see this our neighbour. He is not like every other guy. Even Virgin Mary will have a crush on him.” While her sisters giggled uncontrollably, Ugochi sighed.
“I pray that your eyes will be enlightened someday,” she said then left for the kitchen.

While in the kitchen, she thought about what her sisters often said about Chimaobi. She had not met him because she had been preparing for her SSCE. All her spare time was either in church or in a library. She heard he was a regular visitor in the house and also friendly with her father. But she never got to see him. When she returned home, it was to eat and fall asleep. No time for socializing. Her sisters were always talking about guys, but never had they been consistent on one guy, more especially saying something good about him. This Chimaobi must be different, she thought. I will make out time to meet him. I’m sure with the way ladies fall for him, he can be used to bring more ladies to God.

She was a bit absentminded and did not notice that the fish she was frying was burning. By the time the smell of burnt food brought her out of her reverie, she rushed for the frying spoon to salvage the fish. The frying pan and frying spoon were so hot that when she touched them, she got scalded and accidentally hit knocked the frying pan. Everything spilled on the floor.

That was when Chimaobi Igwe walked into the kitchen.
For a moment, their eyes locked. It was as though time had frozen and the clock had stopped ticking.
It was a moment when Ugochi was speechless, breathless and her heart skipped a beat.

This Story is about...

Ugochi Alozie was beautiful. Those who knew her marvelled at how one person could be blessed with good looks, exceptional intelligence and a loving heart. The tan-complexioned beauty stood 5 feet 8 inches tall at the age of sixteen. Her heart-shaped face, which radiated innocence and comeliness, was always lit with a smile. Though slender, her full bust and curvaceous hips always invited an extra glance.

At school, she remained top five in class. Her teachers always had commendable reports about her. She had friends who adored her and could testify of her loving nature.

She came from a family of four girls of which she was the third. Having two elder sisters (Adaeze and Uchechi) who were very close and a younger sister (Ogechi) who was very rascally, Ugochi always felt left out making her retire into a world of her own. Because she found it hard confiding in her sisters, her way of communicating her feelings was through writing poems. Whenever she was hurt or angry, she would write a poem about her situation. When she had gotten over the feeling, she would discard of the poems.

She was the apple of her parents’ eyes. Her parents liked her so much because she was reserved, obedient, very hardworking and godly. Her godly nature made her humble despite her beauty, adorable nature and intelligence. She was ignorant of her physical. She had developed a relationship with God where she put Him as number one in her life. Everything centred around Him. Any spare time she had was used to be in His presence either in the church, or worshipping Him, or meditating on His words.

Ugochi was clear on her belief that fornication and adultery were grave sins. She always preached about it to her sisters. Her parents were happy that with the way she was going, she would remain a virgin until she was married. They had plans to take advantage of her innocence and naivety.

But the change in her beliefs began when a family moved in next-door in their neighbourhood…

The Key to the Secret

Ebere met me standing sober in the middle of mother’s room. My eyes remained fixed on her bed where she had given up the ghost. I swallowed a painful lump while trying to fight back tears. I could still picture those nights when I would come into the room and meet Ebere already fast asleep by mother’s left side, and I would hurriedly cuddle up by her side where I knew I would fall into a dreamless sleep. I could still remember the loving strokes she gave me that made me drift off to sleep without any thoughts in my head, and her pecks that meant “everything is okay”. I swallowed yet another lump and reminded myself that I had to be a man because if I broke down in tears, Ebere would end up crying. And we would never get the room cleaned.

“Why did you want to clean the room?” Ebere asked.
I could hear her tear-laden voice shaking.
I waited for about ten seconds before replying “I don’t know,” to be sure my voice would not betray my feelings. “But it was a strong urge.”
I looked at her. Her soft cheeks were stained with tears and her white eyes were now pink. “I’m sorry I had to make you do this…”
“It’s okay,” she replied, sniffing and wiping the tears from her eyes. “Let’s get to work.”

The room was dusty. I sneezed a couple of times. Apart from the fresh cobwebs and dust from the changes in seasons, there was little dirt in the room.
“Mom sure knows how to make a place look clean,” Ebere voiced out her thoughts.
“I was going to say so myself,” I said. “Good for us, we have little to do. You do the sweeping, I do the dusting and then we mop later?” I suggested.
“Sure,” Ebere said and picked up the broom.
I had just squeezed the rag to wipe the window when Ebere said, “See what I’ve found!” I turned to see her holding a big brown envelope in her hands. She passed it to me. “I found it under the bed,” she answered my unasked question.

On the envelope was written boldly “Lyrics to My Loved One”. I opened it to see things written by mother. A closer examination of notes revealed that they were poems.
“These are poems written by mommy,” I said, “I guess mommy must have been a poet.”

Involuntarily, Ebere and I sat down on the bed to go through the poems. They were all dated and arranged in chronological order.

The first of the poems was titled “Peeping Girl”. Ebere read it out:

Peeping Girl
How I marvel at the deeds of the Lord
Beauties to masterpieces he makes in accord
Wilful wanders of my eyes make me see
Perfections of God during my little peep;
I, Peeping Girl, peep out of my window
The mystique male I see makes my eyes glow
Indeed he is the one of every girl’s dreams
I not being an exception to this realm;
A little peep makes my heart skip a beat
My attraction to him builds a halting heat
I seem to lose control of my mind, now stray
My crush on him should not be wrong, this I pray.

After she had read it a second time, something occurred to me, which I told her.
“Assuming mommy was writing about herself, and she was the ‘Peeping Girl’, then she must have had a crush on a guy and wrote it down.” I paused then continued, “These might be poems she wrote to the guy she had the crush on.”
“This sounds interesting,” Ebere said with a chuckle of excitement. I liked it whenever she got into such mood because it meant she was not going to get bored with the venture.
“Listen while I read the second poem to you…”
I put the first poem aside and listened to Ebere as she read the next poem. All I was left to imagine was what could have transpired to inspire mother to write such beautiful poems.

Overcoming The Fear

It was about a year after mother’s death that Ebere and I were able to go into her room. Before then I feared that if I went there, I would remember the good times we had there and so miss her so much. I could not bear the memories. Ebere said she felt the same way too. Mother’s room was a welcome haven. We found peace in that room. We found happiness and shelter in that room. Even up to the age of fifteen, I often joined Ebere in her room where she would sing songs to us and tell us stories until we fell asleep. Her voice was heavenly. When we brought our problems to her, she always seemed to have the perfect words for us that will encourage us and calm us. She made us open and truthful amongst ourselves and her room was where we always discussed with her our secrets. After her death, we never wanted to enter her room again. As I remembered some of the great things about her, I confessed, “One of God’s wonderful gifts to mankind is mothers.”

On that fateful day I called on Ebere whom I guess was reading a novel she had read so many times.
“Yes, Chimaobi,” she responded from her bedroom.
She always called my name when she was responding to my calls. I walked into her room and confirmed my guess. She was probably dying of boredom like me.
“Please join me to clean mommy’s room,” I told her.
She dropped the book and searched my face for a while. I guess when she saw the serious look on my face, she knew I was not joking.
“Chimaobi, are you sure you want to do this?” she asked. She was two years younger than me but she seemed to be very cautious and calculated, like mother.
“Yes. The place would be in a mess and you know mommy likes her room to be sparkling clean,” I reminded her.
She nodded slowly. Mother always wanted everything around her to be clean that she took the pains to clean her room herself. No other person had ever cleaned her bedroom.
“If my only brother wants me to do so, then why not?” Ebere thought out loud as she stood up from her bed.
It was one of those statements she made when she initially wanted to refuse what I asked of her but had to be motivated by reminding herself that I was her only sibling. I watched as she brought out a pair of shorts and a vest in preparation for the task ahead. “That means we need broom, mop, water, rags and detergent,” she continued thinking out loud.
“I’d go and get them,” I volunteered. “Please meet me in mom's room when you are done.”

Last Day With Mother

Mother’s death had always been a mystery to us. Why she had to die at the age of thirty-six, some months after I turned sixteen, was a question I kept asking God. She was young and beautiful. I should have added full of life, as that usually follows when describing someone that died an untimely death. But in the her last two years on earth, life was drained out of her. Maybe it was better she left.

I remember her last words to us, Ebere (my younger sister and only sibling) and myself. She was in her room, laying weakly on her bed, her head slightly propped up with a pillow. We were by the right side of her bed, telling her all that encompassed at school that day. We did it in a bid to cheer her up. Occasionally she smiled, though a very weak smile. In my heart I longed to see her beautiful smile that brought joy every moment I was with her.

“Never marry someone who is not meant for you,” she said, looking straight at us. Her gaze was steady. Her voice was faint and cracked. “Do not let anyone decide who you should spend the rest of your life with. Do not be pressurized into marriage. Marry that one who gives you joy and peace in your heart. Otherwise your life would be like you were soaring on waves and tides. You will always be praying for calm moments, which could come once in a blue moon. It could be very rough…” She coughed dryly.

Mother beckoned on us when she regained her breath. As we came close to her she hugged us, Ebere first then me. She whispered in my ears “Obim, my beloved son”, before releasing me. She closed her eyes, smiled a weak smile, then slowly the smile faded away. We sat watching the colour drain from her body. It was when we could not see the heaves of her breathing that we knew she was gone. Just like that. Let me spare you the details of our panic and wailing.

Father’s doctor said she had died from stroke. Her doctor said it was a combination of many things. My maternal grandparents said it could have been suicide, since they believed she was eccentric. I was convinced it was the ill treatments from my father that made her decline in health and eventually die. I knew many times when Ebere and I would return from school and we would see our father pulling her up the stairs with blood all over her. She would be wailing and screaming. When he got to the first landing, he would kick her down the stairs and leave her at the bottom in whatever state she was. Ebere and I would do nothing but cry and try to help her up to her room. We learnt very early how to administer first aid and became experts in it, for Father was very brutal. It surprised me that mother never told us why he was always beating her up. Instead she endured in silence and if we asked why, she would say, “It is okay dears. One day you will understand.”

And I wondered how long it will take me to understand.

Dedication

To LOVE - For Me and the inspiration
To My Husband - Who took me to LOVE, who changed my Love Story

The Non-fiction is a different "Lyrics to a Loved One"